Tony would blush to see me now

I'm sure you've all been poised at the edge of yours seats wondering what I've been doing to maintain my personal fitness now that p90x is but an adrenaline-fueled memory. What has she been doing to maintain her nascent musculature now that she's no longer updating us on her every push-up, is a question you are no doubt asking yourself. Frankly, I've been wondering myself.

I'd been trying to maintain a plan of running 3 times a week and doing the p90x ab workout 3 times during the week as well. Naturally, when the temperatures in New York spiked to nearly 100 degrees (who am I kidding--this started when they barely hit 80), I found building up a sweat just walking to the track encouraged me to just stay home instead. Also, thanks to the summer schedule at my office and going to work 45 minutes earlier, I found getting up earlier--even just the 15 minutes earlier it requires to do Ab Ripper X--nearly impossible. My weekly average dropped to about once. On a good week.

About this time, my friend sent me a Groupon for a good deal on 10 Bikini Burlesque Bootcamp classes. She had taken the class previously and said it was a lot of fun. I wasn't sure if this was the answer to my fitness needs, but I did know it met two important criteria, 1) it was done in an air conditioned dance studio, and 2) it was cheap. Also, although apparently styled after the comedic, seductive dance-style burlesque, it has the word "bootcamp" in the name, so I figured the fitness potential must be there somewhere.

Despite assuming some fitness would be gained, I showed up to my first class without water and in normal workout clothes. (My friend said dressing up in burlesque-type outfits was encouraged, but that she was the only student who really does it. I promised to think about joining her, but I'm not sure how comfortable I am profusely sweating in fishnets.) I would come to regret not bringing water.

I have been to 5 classes now, and I've yet to forget water a second time. The class always starts with our assuming the showgirl pose, and reciting a mantra of the day. These sexually empowering chants range from the cute "I put the pop in popsicle" to the slightly more cute "I am a weapon of mass seduction." I was quickly lulled into a false sense of security. However, while encouraging, the instructor Lady Chardonnay turns to shouting drill sergeant commands with great comfort. The workout is really only about 25 minutes of the hour, but it is an intense 25 minutes full of wall squats, tricep dips, sprints, and push-ups.

After the sweat-inducing first half of class, we learn a burlesque dance to a specific song. So far song choice has ranged from the Bond classic "Diamonds are Forever" to the equally not contemporary "Kiss" (surprisingly, in a dance attempting sexiness, they chose the Tom Jones version over the Prince). I'm not a person whose hips naturally move where I want them to go, as I've learned from every dance class I've ever taken from belly dance to salsa. The exception to that is, I guess, the Irish dance class I took where I learned that hip movement is unnecessary, but that I also have trouble getting my legs to go where I want them to with any sense of rhythm. But that's really neither here nor there. The point is, I'm not sure my dancing came off as sexy as intended, and it's admittedly hard to feel attractive in tennis shoes, but compared to running around and intermittently doing push-ups it was a pretty good time.

The teachers: Lady Chardonnay and Pink Champagne. They do even the sprinting/push-ups/wall squats portion of the workout in three inch heels. I am continually impressed.

Overall, I'm looking forward to completing the second half of my Groupon classes. I don't think going to this twice a week will keep me quite as buff as Tony would, but I certainly get to do a lot more hair flipping.

Also, apropos of nothing save maybe overall health, I saw another bean-related baked good recipe the other day. This one for cookie pie looks a little healthier than the brownies--there's only 3 tablespoons of oil and no eggs to speak of. She claims it was raved about by people who aren't used to healthy desserts, but I'll have to reserve judgement until I get a chance to make this.

Ninety.

As of today, April 25, 2011, I have completed my 90-day boot camp under the watchful, un-judgmental eye of Tony Horton. None of you are likely invested enough in my personal fitness to really do the math, but if you did, you would know that it actually took me slightly more than 30 days to complete this last third. This is because I took three days off during the move last month. I tried to move forward with my hourly exercise in the morning while moving all of my worldly possessions up four flights of stairs in the evenings (because that's what Tony would have done), but in the end I was left with a pulled muscle in my side that hurt every time I coughed. (The coughing was--I'm pretty sure--an unrelated ailment.) Deciding that moving was the more important of the two irritants, I forwent additional exercise. And even after I resumed p90x a day or so after the move, I probably wasn't really back to fighting shape for another half week or so. I half-assed many a prison cell push-up during that time.

But enough of past regrets! These last 30 days were generally positive. I really had a handle on all the work-outs, and begun to notice that I was completing things I'd laughed at (out of nervous disbelief and confusion) mere months earlier. Granted, there are still things I can't do, that I continue to laugh at out of fear and confusion (namely, plyometric push-ups), but by-and-large I notice improvement in my overall physical capabilities. This is not to stay there still weren't a couple of surprises in the last few weeks. In the last two weeks of strength training, I was introduced to a DVD I'd never done before. This was very unexpected to me as it certainly felt like I'd covered everything. However, it was easy for one to have slipped through the cracks as all the workouts have such similar names. This workout would have been just another mish-mash of pull-ups and weight lifting to me, if not for the introduction of my new favorite character: Kate.

I'm rather glad that Kate only entered my life in the last 15 days of the program. While hilarious, she doesn't have the quiet, slip-into-the-background quality of a Dreya or an Adam. If I'd had to sit through her workout too many times, I would have no doubt learned her every line and found her more annoying than endearing. But suffice is to say, at 6 am I found her, what I hope was sarcastic, enthusiasm and ironic, chipper can-do attitude hilarious. "Bring it. Bring the pain," she'd say to Tony, in exactly the smart-alecky tone I would have tried to adopt had I been lucky enough to be chosen from the p90x test group. I admire Kate for doing corncob pull-ups (the most ridiculous of all pull-up options) during the choose-your-own pull-ups sets. But more than that I respect her ability to egg on Tony's little skits that none of the other participants ever seem to engage, such as in the following exchange during cool-down, ballistic stretching:

Tony: Do you all have your tickets?

Kate (innocently): The tickets? What tickets?

Tony: The tickets to the show.

Kate (against the pleading silence of the others): What show, Tony?

Tony (flexing, naturally): The gun show!

She even laughed. She's his Zeppo, although only if Groucho hadn't been in on his jokes. But enough about my crush on Kate. I'm finally ready to show a little "after" photography.

I'm supposed to be fist-bumping Tony. Perhaps it's best to focus on my right bicep instead. That didn't use to be there.

Having completed 90 days (albeit not 90 consecutive ones) of grueling, extreme workouts, I have to say--I feel pretty good. I'm already starting to plan my maintenance routine, so that I don't return to what I once was: an un-toned naif who quailed at squat runs and strength training. That said, I do plan to drop all the p90x cardio routines. They were quite fine for those miserable winter days back in February when the city was blanketed in brown sludge and doing karate in my living room was the only option. But now New York is entering into the one month of the year where the weather is truly lovely (before it gets hot, humid, and dirty--seriously, why do so many people live here?). I think I'll take my cardio outside in the form of running for the summer. As an added incentive, my new apartment is now closer to the park in my neighborhood, which has a nice running track. I'll (hopefully) supplement this exercise with at least three days of strength training a week and perhaps yoga on the weekends.

Thank you all for reading the trials and tribulations of my 90-day journey to physical betterment. It's been an enjoyable ride, and I consider the program well-worth the money, although I can't help but admit I'm really looking forward to taking tomorrow off.

Pushing 60

Hard to believe it's been another 30 days since last I updated you on my p90x progress. Actually, it might seem to you that I very recently updated you, but from my point of view it's been a while.

The second segment of p90x was a little shakier than the first. Daylight savings time has not been friendly to my waking-up-at-6-am to exercise plan. There was a solid week when I just couldn't get up in the morning and ended up having to work out in the evening instead (something I really hate). Also, I'm ashamed to say I missed a day in the last 30. It was just a day of stretching during the recovery week, but I'm still feeling a little guilty that I didn't make it up. It was during the week or so that I had what I'm pretty sure was at least walking pneumonia, but that my doctor insists was "seasonal allergies." Getting a Nyquil induced 8-hours of sleep won out over a cough-fest while doing stretches.

Other than that one day, I've been trucking along. I'm getting more adept at completing the moves correctly. The p90x system supposedly works through the process of "muscle confusion" meaning that your body never adapts because you keep changing things up. This may be true, but unfortunately while my muscles may be confused by all the different movements, my mind has quickly learned the workouts and started to find them repetitive. Sometimes this is a benefit because it enables me to count down how many exercises I have left in the routine (although it's unfortunate if I accidentally forget one, only to be blind-sighted by one of my least favorites right when I think I'm in the home stretch). However, I worry that my capacity to "bring it" is being compromised as my mind starts to wander. I'm focusing more and more on the human drama and what I perceive to be Tony's relationships to his back-up people.

Many of them are clearly Tony's friends. I suspect Dreya more just humors him by smiling at his jokes. Daniel takes his good natured ribbing with a laugh, but I feel like he silently resents Tony every time he is scolded for not being low enough in his squat or screwing up his form. The lawyer, whose name I don't remember, clearly hates Tony. So obvious (or at least after repeat viewings fully of scrutiny and analysis) is this, that I wonder how he got on the video at all. And then there's Pete (or is it Kyle?), the super fit Asian guy whose name changes about three times through the Back and Shoulders dvd.
I think the reason Tony chose to add an X to his regular p90 workout is because of how easy it was for him to visualize the marketing campaign.

It isn't all bad though. This morning I noticed that if I feel my stomach, I can note individual abdominal muscles. I'm hopeful that these are the humble beginning of a six-pack and plan to try to nurture them out of their shell over the next 30 days. By 90, I plan to be able to wash clothes on them. I've always been blessed with a fairly flat stomach though, so the changes in tone I was really looking for were in my legs and arms. I haven't noticed huge changes in definition, but I am able to do more push ups and use heavier resistance bands than I used to, so clearly I'm stronger, even if it's not a visible strength yet. I'm looking forward to seeing how this evolves as I enter the home stretch!

I should probably learn my boyfriend's phone number

Last night, I was supposed to meet my boyfriend after work because we had a couple of appointments with brokers to look at apartments. We hadn't planned an exact meeting point because I was supposed to call when I got off work to say that I was on my way. Simple enough, except that when I got off work my phone wouldn't turn on. Or rather it would turn on, taunt me by letting me scroll to his name, and then shut off when I tried to look at his number or follow through with a call. Very frustrating. Especially considering I plugged it in the night before.

There are several pay phones of varying working order and questionable cleanliness in the subway, but it was at this point that I realized I couldn't even name the area code of his phone number. I consider this a problem with our modern dependence on cell phones, because it takes so long (or at least some effort) to memorize a number when you don't have the repetitive memory formed by punching the numbers quite a few times. I can still remember the phone numbers for my friends in middle school, but not the number of someone I call on a regular basis. Sadly calling the girl I used to make up Britney Spears videos on a trampoline with when I was 12 didn't seem to help my present situation. Finally, I realized I did have his number in my email, but at this point I was already on the train, and going back to work to check it would only make me later.

The plan I devised on the train was to sprint to his apartment and hopefully catch him before he left or gave up on me entirely for not returning his no doubt many confused calls. I made the 10-minute walk to his apartment in about 5 minutes (p90x has improved my fitness level, but still running in a dress, boots, and a heavy coat is something even Tony Horton might find difficult).
Astoria is lovely, but lengthy to traverse. I'm really just adding this picture to break up an otherwise boringly large block of text.

I knocked and he wasn't there. I let myself into his apartment and, not surprisingly, he still wasn't there. He'd downloaded skype on his computer, so I thought I could use that to call him, but alas, I couldn't find it (and he later told me he'd deleted it the day before). I looked up in my email to find his number and pulled a random receipt off his desk to write it down. Coincidentally, this random piece of paper turned out to be his phone bill and contained the very digits I needed.

Grabbing that, I took off again, heading in the direction of the general area he'd told me the real estate office was. I was beginning to feel a little like Franka Potente in Run, Lola, Run, you know, except for all the blood money and armed robbery. I found a real estate office and went in and started babbling incoherently while gesturing at my phone. I mentioned my boyfriend's name and one of the real estate agents seemed to have heard of him. That was my ticket in! Another one of the brokers offered me the use of a phone so I could contact him. Unfortunately, when I was able to get a hold of him, he told me I was still in the wrong place. Apparently, the reason they'd heard of him was because we had an appointment with them on Friday. I thanked them for the use of their phone and slowly backed out, saying I would meet him on the corner. I'm not sure I fully explained that I wouldn't be coming back.

Luckily, I was only a few blocks from where I was supposed to meet him, although another 20 minute walk to where the next appointment was. Good thing I'd done my p90x legs and back that morning! Otherwise, I might not have even been sore.

Another unfortunate result of my phone black out was that I didn't get to call and wish my father a happy birthday. So happy (belated) birthday, Dad! Hopefully, the card I sent proves I didn't forget.

I bet James Franco wouldn't have made it to 30 days

I've promised to give you updates on my p90x progress, and the 30-day mark seemed like a good place to make good on my promise. That's right, as of today I am one third of the way done with the program. Amazingly, I've found time between making batches of ridiculously unhealthy (and, by extension, ridiculously delicious) cookies and have yet to miss a day. Getting up at 6 am everyday has helped with this. Sadly, that streak is about to end as I'm taking the next week or so off (more on that in a minute), but I will be picking up phase 2 on my return from vacation.

Impressions thus far? I haven't noticed any major changes in my physical appearance or overall fitness. Perhaps if I actually played a sport or did anything routinely that required physical fitness, I would be better able to gauge if my performance had improved. A severely obese smoker would have no problem finding the lung strength to play the tin whistle, so that's no real testament. I do note that I don't get winded going up the stairs to the 5th floor of my office anymore, but I also feel it more in my legs (especially after the p90x Legs & Back dvd. One-legged wall squats are deadly). I took my 30 day progress pictures, but I won't be posting those. To actually see any results I have to show way more skin than I'm comfortable displaying on the internet.

In lieu of my actual progress photos, please except this reasonable facsimile.

Aside from physical changes, I've noticed more subtle ways Tony Horton (p90x's energetic host) is influencing me. Litte phrases, that I think of as Tony-isms, have been leaking into my everyday vernacular. I certainly say "bring it!" in a challenging tone more often than I used to. I also have taken to heart his frequent axiom: "do your best, and forget the rest". Actually, having now seen many of the dvds at least 4 times, I'm starting to remember all of Tony's jokes and witticisms, and frankly the more times I see them, the funnier I find him. Tony (according to Wikipedia) originally moved to LA to be a comedian and actor but, when that inevitably failed, he became a personal trainer to the stars.

I've learned to associate the different routines with Tony's commentary. The Shoulders & Arms routine is the one where he seems high and compares large backwards arm circles with flexed hands to a "pterodactyl backing out of danger," naturally with the appropriate sound effects. The Legs & Back routine is the one where he does his Groucho Marx impression by making up his own one-liners about exercise. My personal favorite Tony bit is what I call the "soup test." In several of the workouts, one of the ballistic stretches is called "stirring the pot." Basically, you hang down and circle your arm as if stirring a giant pot of soup. Every time, Tony asks the other people in the class what kind of soup they're stirring. Correct answers can range anywhere from lentil to split pea or even tomato basil. However, Tony is not above correcting those who answer this question wrong. One p90x grad says she's making lobster bisque which Tony wastes no time in telling her is not on the p90x nutrition plan. Oddly enough, in another video Tony himself says he is making lobster bisque, but quickly specifies that it's for someone else. These are the kind of mind-games and melodramas that I find fascinating at 6 am when I'm all sweaty and confused.

Anyway, I'll update you again in another 30 days when I'm 2/3rds of the way through. Actually, it will be more than 30 days because, as mentioned above, I'm taking a week off before starting phase 2. I'm certain Tony would not approve, but I have non-refundable plane tickets to London and that completely outweighs my devotion to fitness. That's right--it's vacation time! Thus, you won't be hearing from me in the next week as I'll be far too busy drinking tea and eating fish and chips. However, I do promise pictures and tales of British adventures on my return.

Day 3 of my journey to becoming a body builder

With the sluggishness that comes with being forced inside by cold and snow and coupled with the constant ads for gyms that pop up this time of year, I can't help but think I need to recommit myself to physical fitness. Naturally, the logical solution would be renew my gym membership which expires next week. However, I'm not ready to put down the money for a whole new year yet. Also, I haven't been to that gym in a good two weeks now. This is partially because it's cold and snowy and I didn't want to walk all the way over there, and partially because I'm slightly scared that their super aggressive sales team will convince me to renew while I'm sweaty and vulnerable.

Without the gym, and without being able to run outside for another couple of months, I worry that my muscles will atrophy and I will no longer be able to climb down the stairs to get more Belgian waffle mix to feed my new waffle iron (which is another reason I should probably be working out...). Luckily, my friend suggested to me a fitness plan that seems promising: p90x.

It's kind of pricey (although still about 1/4 the cost of renewing my gym membership), but if reviews on Amazon are any indication, it does give you results. And I could stand to be a little more toned. Actually, the reviews on Amazon nearly kept me from buying it. So many of them said that while it definitely did work in the end, that the workouts were so intense that it caused them to throw up. I was slightly concerned but then I thought, "why would anyone work out until they threw up?" I think if I was feeling even the tiny bit nauseated I would go ahead and put the thing on pause. It's a video; it's not army boot camp.

The system is 12 dvds with different workouts that you do for 90 days. There's also a diet you're supposed to follow, but I'm not doing that portion yet (unless, and I haven't verified this, it somehow includes the Chinese take-out I had for lunch yesterday). My main problem with the diet isn't that the food looks bad--the recipes actually look quite good. It's the expenses I would have to incur if I actually followed the diet. In an effort to get you to eat a nice variety of nutrients, the diet tells you exactly what you should eat each day for each week of the program (there are 3 phases). The first day you get to eat a cup of fresh strawberries with your breakfast spinach and egg white scramble. But then fresh strawberries aren't on the menu again for 2 weeks! They probably aren't looking too fresh by then.


You'd think the p90x fitness program comes with a free can of spray tan. Strangely, I couldn't find mine.

You're supposed to take before pictures and then pictures of your progress every 30 days. I won't be posting those, so you'll just to assume I'm becoming extremely ripped. Tony Horton, the bizarrely perky trainer who leads all the videos, assures you that if you do all 90 days, you'll be ready to really bring it and do another 90 days with the "double workouts" option. Then, after that, he promises you'll be ready to climb Mt Everest because "you'll be a beast." This is only true if kickboxing, wacky jacks, and seemingly endless ways to do push-ups are the secret to high altitude mountaineering, which I suspect they are not.

Nevertheless, I'm willing to commit to Tony for the next three months. Today is day 3.