The cheese does not stand alone

My January posts seem to be a little food heavy. Fear not, readers, it's not because I've given up doing things that don't involve eating. It's just that none of the non food related things really warrant talking about in a public forum. Food, on the other hand, will always have an audience. This is all a build up to a let down though because this post, while about food, does not have an ingenious recipe such as maple bacon caramel corn at its end. Rest assured though, there will be bacon.

Yesterday, I attended Mac and Cheese Takedown in Brooklyn. I had assumed the "takedown" was so named because we, as participants and superior life forms, would be taking some mac and cheese down by force of eating it. As it turns out, it was very much the other way around, and I will humbly admit to being taken down myself by the sheer quantity of noodles and add-ins presented to me. In essence, the event allows participants to try 25 different versions of mac and cheese provided by 25 local mac and cheese amateur chefs. Naturally, tickets were sold out weeks in advance.

On arrival, my friends and I were cocky. Twenty five mac and cheeses didn't sound so hard. We even made plans to stop at a nearby coffee shop for pie afterwards. How quickly we would realize our error when we hit the wall of our carb threshold a mere 40 minutes later. There were two lines, each passing by half of the competitors, so that you could get little plastic cups full of their entry. It was necessary to have two lines and make two separate passes because 25 little cups, even with carefully planned stacking, will not all fit on one plate. Unfortunately, it also meant that the first pass (in our case, samples 11-25) received a greater advantage than the second pass because at that point I still enjoyed the taste of mac and cheese and wanted to eat more of it. By the second pass, after 14 little cups of mac and cheese and one beer, I no longer really listened as the excited chefs told me which combinations of cheeses and add-ins made their recipe special. The last guy in line, sample number 1, was pontificating so much about his "4 mushroom mac and cheese" and how it was "such a delicate balance of flavors that it absolutely must be eaten as a shot" that I grew fed up and skipped his sample all together.

A sample of some of the spoils. This was from pass 2. The first batch, I was too busy eating to photograph.

The competition was fierce. There was mac and cheese with lobster meat and truffle croutons. There was mac and cheese with spare ribs and bbq sauce and another that tasted like a rueben sandwich. Naturally, there was bacon aplenty: bacon in the middle of a ball of fried mac and cheese, mac and cheese with duck bacon (or quack and cheese, as it was called), mac with two different kinds of bacon AND cracklings, and any numbers of entries where pork fat featured heavily. My personal favorite, and the one that received my vote, was one of the more simple offerings. I would never consider myself a mac and cheese purist, but surrounded by so many very busy food items, it was nice to settle on something comforting. The woman said it was her mother's recipe--a gruyere base with some white wine for complexity. So basically it tasted like fondue with pasta. Texture wise, it was the best by far. I have to give her props for managing that level of creaminess after traveling with it in a chafing dish and then letting it sit over a sterno. Not all of the competitors achieved that.

I wasn't the only one who enjoyed entry number 16. It was voted second among the crowd favorites. But what was the judges pick for best mac of the day? The verbose mushroom mac. I guess I should have sucked it up and tried it.

Kick some masskrugstemmen

I've referred to my boyfriend on here many a time, but usually to laud his artistic achievements as both a gourd carver and table painter. While his artistic talents lend themselves nicely to blogging, as photos really do break up huge blocks of text quite nicely, I worry that this has overshadowed some of his other fine talents. This is my personal blog, so it's natural that it should generally focus on me, my fitness, and how sculpted my biceps look if I flex and photograph them in black and white, but the following story demonstrates that he probably has me beat in terms of feats of strength.

Last night, we went with a group of friends to the Bierhaus near Grand Central to celebrate a friend's birthday the right way: with 2-liter boots full of beer and waitresses in Bavarian dirndls. For those of us who thought 2-liters was an excessive quantity of beer to drink, out of a boot or otherwise, the Bierhaus also came through with a delicious platter of fresh pretzels and biercheese. The wursts weren't too shabby either. The night we were there, and I gather they do this most nights, they were holding a masskrugstemmen. Masskrugstemmen is an actual Bavarian competition that loosely translates to "the lifting of a liter mug of beer." At least that's what the American-German Club of the Palm Beaches says, and they've never given me any reason to doubt them as a source.

Assuming the translation is correct, it's a fairly accurate explanation for what the contest entails. Contestants have to hold a full beer stein out, without bending their arm, and the winner is the last person to have to drop their arm. Also, spilling is naturally not allowed. My boyfriend and another in our group thought it would be fun to face off against the 8 other strapping competitors. After all, there was no entry fee and even the losers got to keep the brew they competed with (and at $16 a liter by Bierhaus prices, that's not a bad freebie). Also, the winner stood to win their very own beer stein. How often to opportunities like this really come around?

Free beer or not, nothing about this contest looked fun at all. I would love to give you a play-by-play of the event, but really it doesn't lend itself to visuals. Also, I couldn't see over the heads of the people in front of me. I do know that the one girl who was playing was not the first one out, which made me proud of my gender. Suffice is to say, there was a lot of arm shaking in that 4 minutes. But in the end he triumphed--and is one beer stein richer for his labors! He's also apparently entered in the masskrugstemmen finals which will take place on Summer Stage in Central Park with a chance to win a trip for two to Germany. Naturally, as the supportive girlfriend (who has never been to Germany), I've offered to lend him Tony to aid his training.

A promotional picture taken by the Bierhaus (I took it from their facebook page). Sorry it's so tiny; it was taken by a Bierhaus waitress on her cell phone. Just as they did to commemorate victors in the masskrugstemmen contests of old.

Danish defeat

So this is probably in complete contradiction to my last post (although, to be fair, I never said I was following the p90x diet), but I'm excited to announce the return of Pillsbury Bake-off season. Every other year, amateur chefs across America have the chance to win $1 million by cultivating the newest recipe made predominantly of Pillsbury products. My strategy in the past has been to take things that are good and then try to figure out a way to recreate them using crescent rolls and refrigerated biscuits. I should point out, for anyone hoping to emulate this strategy, that I have never actually won the Pillsbury Bake-Off. I think I might not be in touch with what the American heartland is looking for food-wise.

This year, I'm trying a different approach to make it to Bake-Off Stadium in Orlando for the finals. So far this approach is two-fold: 1) Make an entree, because there's less competition probably than the brunch and dessert categories, and 2) Whatever it is, cover it in cheese. Because most things taste better with cheese on them.

The winner from last bake-off: neither entree nor cheese-covered. The time is ripe for change.

I encourage all my readers to think of their own clever Pillsbury bake-off ideas. You can then enter them yourselves, or, better yet, give them to me to aid my quest for bake-off glory. If I win, I can't guarantee you a share of the million, but I would promise you the $10,000 in GE appliances. They would probably not fit in the kitchen of any apartment I could buy in New York for under a million dollars anyway.

For those of you questioning my past bake-off failure, here's my main entry from last year. It's perfect for anyone who needs a tasty brunch and who happens to have a lot of brand specific products from Pillsbury and its subsidiaries (I'm just kidding, you can use any brand of almonds).

Ingredients:
Danishes
1 cup fresh strawberries, hulled and quartered
1 cup fresh rhubarb, cut into 1/2 inch pieces
1 T corn starch
3 T sugar
1/2 tsp orange zest
1 package Pillsbury Place 'N Bake Crescent Rounds
1/4 cup Fishers slivered almonds

Orange Glaze
2/3 c powdered sugar
2 T orange juice
1/2 tsp orange zest

Preheat oven to 375.

On the stove, heat over medium-heat the strawberries, rhubarb, sugar, orange zest, and cornstarch, --stirring until the juices are released and everything mixes well. Continue to heat on medium, stirring occasionally, for about 10 minutes.

Meanwhile, place parchment paper on a cookie sheet and place crescent rounds several inches apart. Unfurl each round, press one end flat onto to the parchment, and rewrap the rest around the flattened end. It should make a slight cup where the filling will go.

When the fruit is done cooking, spoon enough to fill each crescent cup to the brim. Put the danishes in the over for 12-15 minutes.

While they are cooking, mix the powdered sugar, orange juice, and zest in a small bowl to make the glaze.

Allow the rolls to cool for a few minutes before drizzling with orange glaze and garnishing with almonds.

Celebrating January

The fact that I only have one post in 2011 is starting gnaw at me, so I suppose it's time to write yet another one. I know, I know, the things I do for you, readers.

I feel like there's a lot to look forward to in 2011. There are inevitably so many things to celebrate on any given day. For example, according to a random site of holidays for January, today is International Programmer's Day. I have a feeling most programmer's aren't even aware of that fact. I encourage all of my readers who are in fact programmers to go out and demand your accolades. Also, a website devoted to International Programmer's Day suggests you send the lucky techies in your life a celebratory e-card.

Quite possibly the ugliest e-card ever. Best hope the programmer in your life doesn't have an eye for design.

I'm not super jazzed about International Programmer's day (not that I don't support and admire anyone who can read computer languages--I personally flounder at even the basic html to run this blog). However, tomorrow is a day I can more fully get behind. According to the National Confectioner's Association, tomorrow is National English Toffee Day. I personally like to live every day as if it's National English Toffee Day, but I'm still glad this is officially on the books.

Outside of just this weekend, there are reasons to celebrate the entire month of January. For you see, January is also California Dried Plum Digestive Health Month. Yep, that's a thing. “Dried plums are a great source of vital nutrients and contribute to a healthy digestive system,” says Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger. You can start your digestive health off right this month by entering the Super Snacking Sweepstakes at the official California Dried Plums website (http://www.californiadriedplums.org/sweepstakes). You could be $1,000 richer in the dried fruit of your choice.

I'm more of a dried apricot person myself. Luckily, January is also Apricot Month.

For those who like their produce a little more...hydrated, it's also National Mail Order Gardening Month. As far as I can tell, this means you should not only start a garden but do so only from seeds and bulbs from catalog mailings. I don't receive gardening catalogs, but that's not as big an impediment as the fact that I live in an apartment on a busy avenue without absolutely no green space. It pains me that I won't be able to celebrate this one.

Wishing you all a happy January! May all your gardening supplies come from write-in order forms and all your plums be shriveled!

I can take a hint

During short post month (er, I mean National Novel Writing Month...because I swear I'm still doing that), I always enjoy it when posts can just write themselves. Or rather I enjoy throwing other people's writing up on here that they may entertain you with their fine words. Today's contributions come not from my 826 kids (whose work I've had no compunctions about pirating in the past) but from some contest-winning writers. That's right--they finally announced the winners of the Hint Fiction Writing Contest of many posts ago. Here they are without further ado (by which I mean: effort on my part):

First Place:

Cabin Fever
by Sean Johnston (Sachse, TX)

Cindy had agreed to the electric fence, the deadbolts, the new alarm system—true—but she had assumed his intentions were to keep people out.

Runners-up:

Inheritance Money,
by Tami Absi (Dayton, OH)

To fish his apartment key from his pocket, Gunther placed his pink slip, the Detroit Daily’s obituary section, and the flowers on the floor.

Cruciform
by Matt Mintz (Fontana, CA)

The pastor's daughter made me meet her in the church basement. There was no light but she told me where to duck.

Swimming Lessons
by Vicki Wilson (Clinton, NY)

Her husband told the coroner she'd only signed up for the damned class because some crazy fortuneteller told her she'd die from drowning.

The Mirror
by Colleen Leeman (Brooklyn, NY)

She held the old, straggly feather boa up against her business suit. She apologized to the picture of her with pigtails on the dusty table.

How Does Your Garden Grow
by Katheryn Yu (Dripping Springs, TX)

One morning Annie found a hand under a the rosebush where she had never left one before.

Although I was sad to see none of my readers' wonderful entries made it (unless...Sean of Sachse..are you out there?), I must say I very much enjoyed the winning entries. Particularly the swimming one, but then I do have a soft spot for fatalism in short fiction.

I bet James Franco doesn't have 30,000 words

It's November, and I've decided to buckle down. Lay my cards on the table. Burn the candle at both ends with some midnight oil. In other words, I'm going to get more serious about writing my young adult novel, henceforth to be known as Project: Defeat James Franco. For you see, November is National Novel Writing Month (or NaNoWriMo, as the kids call it) during which participants are supposed to start and finish a novel in 30 days. I say I'm "sort of" participating because I'm not signed up, and I'm technically not attempting to write 50,000 words from scratch during the month of November. That said, I AM trying to finish my novel, even if I started it many Novembers ago. For those interested, November is also apparently Pancreatic Cancer Awareness Month, International Drum Month, and Pomegranate Month (but only in the United States). I only wish I had the time to participate in those as well.

Unfortunately, this means that I'll probably be posting here a little less. Or at the very least my posts will be shorter. After all, I've got to save the good writing for the werebears. I know this will be taxing for my more loyal readers (although I've been very excited to hear that many of my most loyal readers are doing NaNoWriMo themselves!). But just think: when my young adult novel takes off and becomes a smash sensation, you can say you read my juvenalia from the time when it was just blog entries. Perhaps they'll even publish these very posts, with a few edits of course, into an (albeit plotless) epistolary novel of sorts. Ah yes, imagine that.

Anyway, I promise not to forget about Astorian Dream and to check in and update as much as I can (or when I'm trying to avoid real writing...).

And finally, and this is completely unrelated to the above: remember that pumpkin contest for Zipcar? Well, my (boyfriend's) entry won an "honorable mention" prize of $15 in driving credit! I'm still not sure if the entry really was honorably mentioned or if it was more of a participation prize they gave to everyone, but I also don't really care. We'll take the $15, and they can keep their accolades! Although, I do think he should add this honor to his resume.

Talented pumpkin artists and the deadbeats who love them

As you know (or may have gathered from previous blog posts), I am an avid entrant of Internet contests. Naturally, I prefer contests where a degree of skill is involved, be it writing short essays about meatballs or crafting Valentines haikus devoted to car-sharing or condensing whole stories into 25 words. I don't win said contests, but I find them an enjoyable diversion during the workday. (This is not to say that I'm too good for sweepstakes; I lose those too. However, I'd only recommend them if you have a separate email address set up just for siphoning off junk mail). Anyway, the latest contest to grace my inbox was sponsored by the car-sharing service I'm a member of: Zipcar (incidentally the same people who rejected my loving haikus of contests past). But putting aside past defeats, I saw that Zipcar had asked its members to carve a pumpkin into a "Zipcar inspired" masterpiece for Halloween this year.

This seemingly simple task was only problematic because I lack any real gourd-carving skills. My artistic talent is really limited to an excellent eye for collaging (if I do say so) and the ability to draw cartoon people that all look the same regardless of intended gender. Luckily, I have an ace in the hole: a boyfriend who went to art school and is generally enabling of my single-minded obsession with winning $200 in driving credit. My contributions to the project were the following: accidentally puchasing a pumpkin with the thickest skin of any squash I've ever laid knife to, refusing to let him use stencils or too many ideas from google because "we have to be creative, if we want to WIN," and taking numerous pictures of my cat with her head in the pumpkin (something she did of her own volition). Pictures follow, of course:

Isn't that cute? Well, perhaps you had to be there.

Once we removed Dinah, we formulated a plan:The plan. It's a car with the Zipcar logo on it in front of the skyline. Hopefully, that's obvious at this point.

Behold the hands of an artist at work:
At this point, I was mostly just watching what turned out to be a patently unfunny episode of The Office, and occasionally offering helpful advice like "try not to cut yourself."

Without further ado, our (er, his) creation:
You might notice that this picture was taken in a well lit room, with clearly no candle in the pumpkin. This is because we couldn't cut away enough of the skin for you to really even see light through it. I tell you, this pumpkin was a beast.

All other Zipcar annual pumpkin carving contest entrants better watch out!

And finally, for those wondering (which I'm sure was all of you) about my honorable, if unmentioned, entry in the Valentines haiku contest (the prize for which was only a paltry $100 in driving credit), here it is:

Sharing is caring-
"I'll share a ride with you, Love,"
Whispers my Zipcar.

I take pride in how creepy and anthropomorphic I was able to make that in only 17 syllables.