Showing posts with label Skymall. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Skymall. Show all posts

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Everything's awesome and nobody's happy

I promised a run-down on my trip to Richmond, VA, and a run-down of my trip to Richmond, VA you shall receive! However, it will not be today because I'm waiting until my parents send me some photos of the occasion (and am actually hoping they will read this very blog post and thus save me an email). In the meantime, I'm updating anyway because no one is at my office right now because who would come into the office the week between Christmas and New Years? Thankfully, unlike last week, they left the heat on for me.

At any rate, the topic I'm choosing to write about while slowly amping up the anticipation for stunning photographs of a Richmond Christmas (seriously, I haven't technically seen them yet, but I'm expecting photographic fireworks), which is only tangentially related to my trip, is air travel. I'll try to make it more interesting than it sounds.

My flight yesterday was supposed to be leave a little before 1 and get in at 2 (actual air time is about 45 minutes, but they have to account for 30 minutes of taxiing and being delayed apparently). Anyway, we were on the plane exactly on time and even pulled away from the gate a little early, so I was both surprised and optimistic to think that both legs of my trip would be perfectly on schedule. Of course, that was not to be due to a storm coming through New York that caused traffic to back up in La Guardia. We were told that we would be sitting on the runway until 2 to see if the airport in New York would let us land, and if not, we would go back to the terminal and deplane. The reaction to this was a plane full of pissed off people. I can't help but think part of this reaction was a result of the usual post-holiday crankiness felt particularly by those who see their families once a year for a reason and are all too happy to finally get to head for home after an uncomfortable weekend. But from my perspective, the protesting seemed a little much.

One woman in a plaid coat kept flagging down the flight attendant to ask more questions about the delay. Plaid coat had recently gotten off the phone with her friend/family/therapist in New York who had told her that it wasn't yet raining there. She preceded to tell the flight attendant this and that she really didn't understand why weren't leaving now so as to get ahead of the storm, as if her phone contact's weather observations would really supersede the ruling of the air traffic controller. To her credit the flight attendant just nodded and smiled and, apparently, brought this woman's concern to the pilot, who then explained in detail on the loud speaker how airports work and how air traffic might be affected by an approaching storm even if it could not yet be noted by laymen on the ground. Plaid coat then spent the rest of the grounded hour on the phone with various people talking about her anger for all of the following: La Guardia, the Richmond airport, the city of Richmond, airplanes, and stupid people. I thought it was nice of them to let us turn our phones on to contact people and let them know we would be late, but overall, I think the waiting would have been a lot easier if at some point they had made up a need for people to turn off all electronic devices again. Although, had they, I would have missed the plaintive whines of the young woman behind me asking whoever she was talking to "why do these things always happen to me?"

The positive thing about being delayed on the airplane instead of in the terminal is that it allowed me the chance to peruse the entire Sky Mall holiday catalogue yet another year in a row. Which leads to the following questions:

Who's idea was it to try to sell adult footie pajamas with sex appeal?

If anything shouldn't this man be more offended if people assume this muppet fuzz is coming from him rather than his "Flair Hair Visor"?

Why? And also, why $24.95?

Luckily, our flight was not canceled and after being delayed for an hour, we were released by the ground crew to soar above the clouds. And remarkably, even after being delayed an hour I reached New York hours before my sister who had left from Richmond by train several hours before me. I guess there's something to this air travel thing after all. The whole experience reminded me of this Louis CK interview about, among other things, whining on airplanes. So I guess this whole post was really just an excuse to post that link.

Anyway, I'll post soon with details about my Christmas in Richmond (surprise sneak peak: we ate a lot), just as soon as I get photos from anyone who was there and took photos and wants to send them to me!


Thursday, December 2, 2010

The sky's the limit

I've spent a lot of time on airplanes lately, although really I shouldn't say that yet as I still have another four flights this month to undergo. Whenever you fly out of JFK your flight is inevitably delayed for an hour or so after you're already on the plane. As discomforting as it is to hear, once you're strapped in with your tiny allotment of leg room, that you're now 50th in line for take-off, it does give you more time to do one thing: peruse the Skymall catalog. For some reason, this is something I only do while the plane is on the ground. I guess it's because I find it difficult to read during the actual take off, and I don't want to get too involved in a book. Coming back from Texas this weekend though, I ended up getting through the entire catalog because we were an hour on the ground due to a "mechanical error" that turned out to be the toilet in the back lavatory not flushing.

The Skymall catalog is just brimming with innovative products whose sole market seems to be people whose mental acuity is compromised by breathing recycled oxygen in a pressurized airplane cabin. From the standpoint of an inventor, it seems that you would think of a need that requires filling, create a product to fill it, and then sit back and wait for capitalism to do the rest. The problem with so many of the products in Skymall is that I can't figure out what need they're hoping to satisfy.

Exhibit A: The Marshmallow Shooter
According to Skymall: "This clever pump-action device shoots sweet, edible miniature marshmallows over 30', and--unlike other marshmallow blasters--it comes with an LED sight that projects a safe beam of red light to help locate a target for accuracy." Which leads me to two questions: 1) There are other marshmallow blasters? and 2) They don't have LED sighting?? If that's the case, I doubt I'd have much accuracy at all projecting marshmallows up to 30 feet. And then what would be the point.

Exhibit B: Electronic Feng Shui Compass
Let's assume for a minute that you are someone who cares passionately about the ancient Chinese system of aesthetics known as Feng Shui. Are you seriously going to put the state of your positive chi in the hands of a little machine that can't possibly comprehend your goals and intentions? I don't think anything truly spiritual comes with a USB charger attachment.

Exhibit C (my personal favorite): The Litter KwitterIf this really works, Skymall really should stop marketing their (literally) 20 different options for fancy litter boxes with computers in them so that you can own a cat and never actually shovel its feces. They also have litter boxes that double as end tables and cost far more than my entire IKEA living room set.

Apologies to any readers who own and love these products. Actually, if you do for some reason own one, I'd be very curious to know if it works. Can you really shoot a marshmallow up to 30 feet? And do you find it's more satisfying then just throwing one? Do you now have to get in line behind your cat at the bathroom? Has your bedroom never felt more spiritually balanced? Inquiring minds (well at least one) want to know.